"Just Relax!" and Other Unhelpful Advice: Navigating Conversations About Your Fertility

Hey there, Friend!

If you’re on the path of trying to conceive, especially if things aren't happening as quickly or easily as you’d hoped, you’ve likely encountered it: The Advice. Oh, the unsolicited, often well-meaning, yet sometimes profoundly unhelpful (and even hurtful) advice about your fertility.

It seems like the moment the topic of babies or family planning comes up, or if people know you're hoping to start or grow your family, suddenly everyone around you transforms into a seasoned fertility expert. From your sweet Aunt Carol to that chatty coworker to a random stranger in the grocery store line, the "helpful hints" can come from all directions. And while we know, deep down, that most of this advice is probably offered with love or good intentions, it doesn’t always land that way, does it?

If you've ever gritted your teeth through a "Just relax, it'll happen when you stop trying!" or felt a surge of frustration at yet another "Have you tried [insert random, often bizarre, home remedy]?" – please know, you are so, so not alone. Here at GrowingMyFamily, we hear these stories all the time. It’s a shared, often exasperating, experience for many navigating the early stages of fertility uncertainty, what we call the "Discovery Phase."

Why "Helpful" Advice Can Feel So… Unhelpful

Let's be honest, when you're deep in the emotional trenches of wondering why you're not pregnant yet, when you're perhaps already tracking cycles, taking temperatures, scheduling (or avoiding) intimacy, and your mind is a whirlwind of hope and anxiety, hearing simplistic advice can feel:

Dismissive: Comments like "Just relax!" can feel like they completely invalidate the very real stress, anxiety, and emotional effort you’re already investing. It implies that if you just tried a little less hard, or worried a little less, a baby would magically appear. If only it were that simple!

Minimizing: Advice often overlooks the potential complexities of fertility. It’s rarely just about stress levels or timing. There can be intricate biological factors at play that "just relaxing" won't fix. This kind of advice can make you feel like your struggle isn't being taken seriously.

Blame-Inducing (Unintentionally): When someone suggests a simple "fix," and it doesn’t work (because fertility is rarely simple), it can subtly shift the blame back onto you. "Well, maybe you're not relaxing enough." This can fuel that awful inner critic that whispers, "Am I the problem?"

Frustrating and Isolating: It can make you feel profoundly misunderstood. You’re navigating a complex medical and emotional journey, and the advice often feels like it’s coming from a completely different planet, one where fertility is easy and guaranteed. This can make you want to retreat and not share your experience at all.

Pressure-Inducing: Ironically, being told to "relax" can often have the opposite effect! Now you’re stressed about not being relaxed enough. It adds another layer of pressure to an already pressure-filled situation.

The Usual Suspects: A "Greatest Hits" of Unhelpful Advice

Let’s just acknowledge some of the common phrases that tend to make us inwardly (or outwardly!) groan. Recognizing them can sometimes help us prepare:

• "Just relax, and it'll happen!" (The reigning champion.)
• "Stop trying so hard / Stop thinking about it." (Easier said than done when it’s your deepest desire!)
• "It'll happen when you least expect it." (Often said by someone for whom it did happen easily.)
• "Have you tried [insert specific diet, supplement, yoga pose, old wives' tale]?" (While some lifestyle changes can be supportive, this often comes without medical backing or understanding of your specific situation.)
• "Maybe you should just adopt." (While adoption is a beautiful way to build a family for some, it's not a "quick fix" for infertility, nor is it everyone's path. It’s also a complex journey in itself, not a casual suggestion.)
• "You're young, you have plenty of time." (This can feel dismissive if you’ve been trying for a while or have specific concerns.)
• "My cousin's friend's sister did [X] and got pregnant right away!" (Anecdotes are not data, and every body is different.)

If you’ve heard these (or countless variations), and felt a twinge of annoyance or sadness, you’re in very good company.

Why Do People Say These Things? (Hint: It's Usually Not Malice)

It’s important to remember, for our own sanity sometimes, that people who offer this kind of advice usually aren't trying to be hurtful. Their intentions are often genuinely good. So why does it come out so wrong?

• They Want to Help (But Don't Know How): They see you’re struggling or know you’re hoping for a baby, and they want to offer comfort or a solution. Their advice is often their best attempt, however misguided.
• They Lack Understanding: As we’ve discussed before, unless someone has personally experienced infertility, it's incredibly difficult for them to grasp its complexities – the emotional toll, the medical aspects, the financial strain, the deep sense of longing and loss. Their advice often comes from a place of ignorance about the reality of the situation.
• It Worked for Them (or Someone They Know): If they or someone close to them conceived after "just relaxing" or trying a specific supplement, they might genuinely believe it’s the magic key for everyone.
• Discomfort with Difficult Emotions: Sometimes, people offer quick fixes because they’re uncomfortable sitting with someone else’s pain or uncertainty. They want to make it "better" quickly, rather than just offering a listening ear.
• Societal Narratives: Our society is still full of myths and simplistic narratives about conception.

Understanding why they say these things doesn’t necessarily make the advice less annoying, but it can sometimes help us respond with a little more grace (or at least, less internal rage!).

Navigating the Minefield: Your Toolkit for Responding

Okay, so the advice is coming. How do you handle it without losing your cool, feeling completely invalidated, or damaging a relationship you value? Here are some strategies, ranging from simple deflections to more direct boundary-setting. Remember, you get to choose what feels right for you in any given moment and with any given person.

1. The Simple "Thank You" and Pivot: Often, the easiest and least confrontational approach.
• "Thanks for sharing that, I appreciate you thinking of me. So, how about that [new movie/your recent trip/the weather]?" This acknowledges their (assumed) good intention without engaging with the advice itself.
2. The "We're Working With Our Doctors" Card: This is a polite way to signal that you’re taking a medical approach and don’t need external suggestions.
• "Thank you, that’s kind of you to suggest. We’re actually working closely with our medical team and feel really confident in their guidance."
• "We appreciate the thought! We're following a plan with our doctor right now.
3. The Gentle Education (Use Sparingly and With Energy Reserves): If you have the energy, and if it’s someone you feel might be receptive, you can offer a tiny bit of education.
• "I know people often say 'just relax,' but infertility is actually a medical condition, and for many, it's a bit more complex than that. But I do appreciate your support."
• "It's interesting how many factors can be involved in fertility. We're learning a lot!"
4. Setting a Clear (But Kind) Boundary: If advice is persistent or particularly unhelpful, you might need to be more direct.
• "I know you mean well, but we're actually finding that advice about fertility can be quite overwhelming for us right now. What we'd really love is just your support and understanding."
• "We’ve decided to keep the details of our journey private, but we appreciate your good wishes.
5. Humor (If It’s Your Style): Sometimes, a lighthearted or even slightly sarcastic (with the right person!) response can deflect.
• "If only 'just relaxing' was a medically prescribed treatment, I'd be the first in line for that prescription!"
• "Wow, I haven't heard that one before! I'll add it to the list." (Said with a smile).
6. The "Broken Record" Technique: If someone keeps pushing past your polite deflections, calmly and kindly repeat your boundary statement. 
• "As I said, we're working with our doctors on this." No need to get flustered or offer new explanations.
7. It’s Okay to End the Conversation or Walk Away: If a conversation is making you deeply uncomfortable or upset, and your attempts to redirect or set a boundary aren't working, you have every right to politely excuse yourself.
• "It was good chatting, but I actually need to [make a call/check on something/get going]. Talk soon!"
• "I'm finding this topic a bit much right now, so I'm going to change the subject/step away for a bit."

Protecting Your Peace is Paramount

Friend, navigating these conversations is an act of self-preservation. Your emotional well-being during this incredibly tender and often stressful Discovery Phase is so important. You don’t have to listen to every piece of advice offered. You don’t have to justify your feelings or your choices to anyone who isn’t part of your core support system (like your partner or your doctor).

It’s okay if you can’t always respond with perfect grace. It’s okay if sometimes you just nod and smile while screaming internally. The goal isn't to become a debate champion on fertility myths; it's to protect your heart and your energy.

Deeper Dives & Community Support

Learning how to handle unsolicited advice and set effective boundaries is a skill, and it often takes practice and support. While these tips can offer a starting point, if you find yourself consistently struggling with these interactions, or if you're looking for more tailored strategies and a safe space to practice these conversations, our GrowingMyFamily "Phase 1: Discovery" course delves much deeper into these relational dynamics. We offer more comprehensive tools for communication, boundary setting, and navigating the emotional complexities that arise when well-meaning loved ones (and strangers!) offer their two cents. Plus, you’ll be surrounded by a community of peers who truly get why "just relax" is anything but relaxing.

For now, remember that you are in control of what you take in. Surround yourself with people who offer genuine, empathetic support, and give yourself permission to gently shield yourself from the rest. Your journey, your feelings, and your peace of mind are what matter most. You’ve got this.