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All Paths, One Compass: Why Listening to Donor-Conceived People Matters


The path to parenthood is rarely a straight line. For many, it’s a journey of unexpected turns, deep hopes, and complex decisions. When that path involves donor conception, a whole new landscape of choices opens up—choices about known donors, open ID donors, or anonymous donors. Each option comes with its own unique set of emotions, logistics, and considerations.

At GrowingMyFamily, we’ve built a community to honor every one of those paths.

This is a space where you can find others navigating the exact same dynamics as you. It's a place to ask for advice on setting boundaries with a known donor or to share your complicated feelings about the anonymity of a bank donor and be met with a chorus of understanding and "me, too." We believe that no one should have to walk this path alone.

But supporting every path doesn’t mean we walk without a compass. Our community is built on a dual commitment: to support the parents of today and to advocate for the children of tomorrow.

Our Commitment to Ethical Family Building

While we hold space for every person and every choice, we also believe that ethical family building must prioritize the long-term well-being of the child. This isn't just a philosophy; it’s a responsibility.

Therefore, we encourage all prospective parents to do one of the most powerful things you can do on this journey: listen.

Specifically, we urge you to listen to the lived experiences of adult donor-conceived people (DCPs). They are the experts. They have lived the reality that your future child will one day navigate. Their voices, their stories, and their wisdom are the most valuable resource you have.

What We Hear When We Listen

When we quiet our own anxieties and truly listen to the DCP community, a clear and consistent theme emerges. Adult DCPs speak of a profound and often lifelong desire for two fundamental things:

  • Access to their full medical history.
  • The name and identity of their donor.

This isn't about replacing their parents or disrupting a family. For the vast majority, it’s about understanding their own story. It’s about having answers to the universal human questions, "Where do I come from and who am I" It's about having access to a complete health history to make informed decisions for themselves and their own future children.

For these reasons, the majority of the donor-conceived community advocates against the practice of permanently closed, anonymous donations. They speak to the genealogical bewilderment and the medical anxieties that anonymity can create. With the rise of commercial DNA testing, permanent anonymity is also becoming a broken promise, often leaving DCPs to uncover their truths alone, without the support of family or professionals.

A Note for Parents Who Have Used an Anonymous Donor

Let’s be very clear: if you have used an anonymous donor in the past, this is not meant to shame you in any way. The conversation around ethical family building has changed and evolved dramatically, even in just the last few years. So many of us made the best decisions we could with the information, resources, and options available to us at the time.

We know this is complicated, and we want to be a place for you to share all of your emotions about it—the joy for your family, the love for your child, and any uncertainty you might feel as the world changes around you. You are seen, valued, and welcome here.

Navigating Your Path with Intention

We know this can feel overwhelming. This message is not intended to create guilt, but to foster awareness and encourage compassion—for your child, and for yourself.

Here’s what listening can look like in practice:

  • Seek out their stories: Read books, blogs, and articles written by donor-conceived adults.
  • Follow DCP advocates: Many share their perspectives with incredible generosity on social media platforms.
  • Prioritize openness: Regardless of your donor choice, commit to open and honest communication with your child from the very beginning.

Here at GrowingMyFamily, we will continue to be a place where you can process all of this. You can celebrate your successes, grieve your losses, and wrestle with these big, important questions.

Because building a family is the ultimate act of hope. Let’s do it with our eyes open, our ears ready to listen, and our hearts committed to the whole, beautiful, complex life we are creating. 

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