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Grieving Together, But Apart: When You and Your Partner Are on Different Pages


You got the news together. You sat in the same heavy silence after the phone call, or looked at the same stark white of a negative test. You are both heartbroken. You are a team, united in this profound disappointment.

So why does it sometimes feel like you are grieving on two completely separate islands?

Maybe one of you wants to talk about it endlessly, while the other wants to put on a movie and forget. Maybe one of you is ready to research the next step, while the other can’t bear to think about the future. It can lead to feelings of isolation and misunderstanding. You might find yourself thinking, "Don't they care as much as I do?"

Please hear this: It is incredibly normal for partners to grieve differently. Your partner’s way of coping is not a reflection of their love for you or their investment in this journey.

Why We Grieve Differently: The Fixer vs. The Feeler (and more)

There is no "right" way to grieve. We all process pain through the lens of our unique personalities. Often, partners fall into different coping archetypes:

The Feeler: Needs to process the emotion by experiencing it fully—talking, crying, and seeking reassurance.

The Fixer: Immediately jumps into action mode, wanting to solve the problem by researching, planning, and taking control.

The Distractor: Finds the raw emotion too overwhelming and copes by keeping busy with work, projects, or entertainment.

The Internal Processor: Becomes quiet and withdrawn, needing space to process their thoughts internally before they are ready to talk.

It’s common for one partner to be a "Feeler" while the other is a "Fixer" or "Internal Processor," creating a classic, painful disconnect.

Our Personal Note: A Bridge We Had to Build

We want to pause here and share something from our own path because we experienced this firsthand. Navigating our different grieving styles was one of the most difficult parts of our journey together. It was confusing and painful, and it took a lot of time and emotional maturity to find our way through it.

For us, one of us was the classic "Feeler" who needed to talk through every emotion, while the other was the "Internal Processor" who needed quiet space. In the beginning, this felt like a rejection. The silence felt like a lack of caring, and the need to talk felt like an attack.

It took time for us to see that the way the other was grieving was not a reflection of how they felt about our shared dream. We had to learn that one partner’s quiet didn’t mean they weren't  on the same page, and the others need to talk didn’t mean anyone was questioning the commitment. It simply meant we were navigating our deep grief differently, which required immense understanding and, ultimately, acceptance of each other's process.

How to Bridge the Gap and Find Each other Again

Navigating these differences requires conscious effort and deep compassion. It’s about building a bridge between your two separate islands of grief.

Name It Without Blame: Start by acknowledging the difference. "I've noticed that when I'm feeling sad, my instinct is to talk it out. I see that your instinct is to get quiet. Neither is wrong, but it feels like we're a bit disconnected."

Ask the Most Important Question: Instead of assuming, ask: "What would feel most supportive to you right now?" The answer might surprise you.

Schedule a "Grief Check-in": Set aside 15-20 minutes of intentional time where the only goal is to listen to each other without trying to "fix" anything.

Find a Third Way to Connect: Your connection doesn't always have to be about talking. Go for a long walk side-by-side. Hold hands while you watch a movie. Sometimes, quiet, shared activity is the most powerful way to feel like a team again.

Remember Who the Enemy Is: The enemy is the infertility, the grief, the disappointment. It is not your partner. When you feel that frustration rising, remind yourself: "We are on the same team."

At GrowingMyFamily, we see this dynamic every day. Our community is a place to find support when you feel like your partner just can't give you what you need in that moment.

Friend, be patient with yourself and with your partner. You are not two people grieving separately; you are a team navigating grief differently. By leading with curiosity instead of judgment, you can find your way back to each other, even in the midst of the deepest sorrow.

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