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They Have Their Father's Eyes: The Joy of a Known Donor Relationship




There are moments, dozens of times a day, when I look at my sons and my breath catches in my chest. I watch them laugh, a full-bodied, uninhibited roar of joy, and I am flooded with a love so immense it feels like it could power a city.

And, occasionally,  in that moment, I see it clear as day: They look just like their dad.

I don’t mean my husband, their loving father who raises them day-in and day-out. I mean their other dad. The man who, along with their mom, chose to build their family alongside ours through embryo donation.

They have their other dad's smile. They have their other dad's eyes. And my feeling in that moment is a complex cocktail of wonder, gratitude, and a love that stretches across two homes.

A Note on Our Language (And Our Family)

Before we go any further, we want to gently address the language we use, because it’s at the very heart of our family’s story. In our home, our sons have two moms and two dads.

We know this might be jarring for some to read. We want to honor that and be very clear: this is our unique family structure. It is not a prescription or an expectation for anyone else. Every family must find the level of openness and the vocabulary that feels authentic, safe, and right for them. There is no one-size-fits-all, and every family's approach is valid and beautiful.

The Awkward Compliment

Even with all the love and clarity, there are still funny little quirks on this path. Maybe you know the feeling. Well-meaning friends will coo, "Oh, your boys are so handsome!" and my heart swells with pride. But right behind that pride, a funny little thought I can't shake often pops up. When I agree, "Yes, aren't they just the cutest?" a part of my brain whispers, Am I agreeing that their dad is handsome? That's… odd. It’s one of those small, surreal moments that is unique to our family-building story.

The Joy of a Shared Family

Over time however, those initial feelings of "weirdness" have been completely transformed into pure gratitude. For us, this has been made so much easier because of the profound joy of a known relationship. We've had the honor of getting to know and love our sons' mom and dad.

They are the kind of people you hope exist in the world—kind-hearted, deeply invested, stand-up citizens, and just all-around amazing people. They love the sons we share whole-heartedly and have welcomed them—and us—with open arms, loving hearts, and a beautiful desire to learn right alongside us what is best for the two little boys we all love so fiercely. Loving them makes seeing them in our sons not just easy, but a source of deep happiness. It’s a beautiful reflection of people we admire and cherish.

The Tapestry of Love

Our children are a beautiful tapestry, and the needlework is done by four loving hands. The genetics from their mom and dad are the strong, foundational threads. But the picture itself is created by the constant love and care from all of their parents.

And it’s in that daily picture I see my husband so clearly in both of them. At almost two, my older son shares my husband's temperament. He has that same love of adventure and a boundless curiosity about the world. Our boys are joyful and happy, and every day, I see more of my husband reflected in their mannerisms—the way they tilt their heads, smile easily and yes, even in their adorable stubbornness (lol).

The love? The love is a constant, flowing from all of us. It's in the afternoon snuggles at our house, and it’s there in the family dinners our boys join almost every weekend at their other home. It’s in the scraped knees kissed better by whichever parent is closest. The genetics were the starting point of this story, but it’s the constant, collective love from all four of us that makes them the joyful, secure, and cherished little boys they are.

Friend, if you ever look at your beautiful children and feel a complex mix of emotions, please know you are not alone. It is okay for it to feel wonderful and weird, simple and layered, all at the same time. This is the unique beauty of this path, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong; it means you're present to the profound depth of your family's story. 

For our family, the key to navigating those emotions has been relationship and communication. We had to learn along the way how to connect when things felt complicated, and how to be vulnerable enough to say, "This part is emotional and hard for me." Having our sons' parents come alongside us—and us come alongside them—to hold both the beauty and the complexity of our story is precisely what has connected and bonded us for life. It's a reminder that love isn't just a feeling; it is the daily practice of showing up for one another, and it can grow in the most beautiful and unexpected ways.



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