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Riding the Emotional Waves: The Intended Parent Experience During a Surrogacy Pregnancy


Hey there, Intended Parent.

You’re on an incredible journey. After making the courageous decision to build your family through surrogacy, and perhaps after finding a wonderful surrogate to partner with, you’re now navigating the unique experience of pregnancy… from a different perspective. Your baby is growing, developing, getting ready to meet you, but you’re not the one feeling the kicks, experiencing the morning sickness, or seeing your belly expand.

This can be a time of immense joy and anticipation, but let’s be honest, it can also bring a complex array of emotions that are unique to intended parents. If you’re feeling a mix of excitement, anxiety, gratitude, and perhaps even a touch of detachment or longing, please know that you are not alone. These feelings are all part of this extraordinary path.

The Unique Emotional Landscape of an Intended Parent

What makes this experience so different?

Joy and Gratitude, Overwhelmingly: The primary emotion is often profound joy and overwhelming gratitude – for your surrogate, for this chance at parenthood, for the life growing and developing. This gratitude can be all-consuming and beautiful.

A Sense of Distance or Detachment: Because you’re not physically experiencing the pregnancy, there can sometimes be a feeling of being one step removed. You might worry about bonding or feel a pang of sadness that you’re not the one carrying your child. This is a common and understandable feeling.

Anxiety and Loss of Control: You’re entrusting the most precious thing in the world – your future child – to someone else’s care. While you trust your surrogate, it’s natural to feel some anxiety about the baby’s well-being and to grapple with the lack of direct control over the pregnancy.

The "Is This Really Happening?" Feeling: Even as milestones pass, there can be a sense of surrealness, a feeling of "is this truly real, is this baby really ours?" until you’re holding them in your arms.

Navigating Others' Perceptions: You might encounter questions or misunderstandings from people who don’t fully grasp surrogacy. Explaining your journey repeatedly can be tiring.

Eagerness for Updates, Respect for Boundaries: You’re likely desperate for every update, every detail about how the pregnancy is progressing and how your surrogate is feeling. Balancing this eagerness with respecting her space and privacy is a delicate dance.

Preparing for Parenthood in a Different Way: While your surrogate is preparing her body, you’re preparing your home, your heart, and your life for your baby’s arrival in a way that might feel less tangible but is no less important.

Ways to Connect and Navigate the Emotional Journey

This journey requires patience, trust, and a lot of self-compassion. Here are some ways that we know intended parents  have found to connect with the pregnancy and navigate their emotions:

Stay Connected with Your Surrogate: Regular, open communication (as agreed upon) is key. Hearing updates, seeing scan photos, and knowing how she’s feeling can help you feel more connected to the pregnancy.

Attend Appointments When Possible and Appropriate: Being present for key milestones like ultrasounds can make the pregnancy feel more real and allow you to share in those moments of awe.

Create Your Own Pregnancy Rituals: You may not be carrying, but you can still create rituals to mark this special time.

Journal to your baby: Write letters or keep a journal for your child about your hopes, dreams, and this journey.

Prepare the nursery: Nesting is a powerful way to connect and prepare.

Talk to your baby (even if it’s via your surrogate’s belly!): If your surrogate is comfortable, perhaps you can talk or sing to the baby during visits or calls.

Take "bump" photos with your surrogate (if she's willing): This can be a lovely way to document the journey together.

Educate Yourself About Pregnancy: Understanding what’s happening week by week can help you feel more involved and informed.

Acknowledge and Process Your Feelings: Don’t try to suppress any feelings of sadness, anxiety, or detachment. Talk about them with your partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist who understands surrogacy. It’s okay to grieve the experience of not carrying, even as you celebrate the pregnancy.

Focus on What You Can Control: You can control how you prepare your home, how you educate yourself, how you support your surrogate, and how you nurture your own emotional well-being.

Connect with Other Intended Parents: Sharing your experiences with others who are on the same path can be incredibly validating and supportive. Our GrowingMyFamily forums offer a space for these connections.

Plan for the Birth and Postpartum: Discuss the birth plan with your surrogate and medical team. Think about your role during labor and delivery, and how you’ll transition to parenthood once the baby arrives.

Practice Self-Care: This journey can be emotionally demanding. Prioritize activities that help you de-stress and recharge.

Being an intended parent during a surrogacy pregnancy is a journey of profound love, trust, and anticipation. It requires you to embrace a different kind of pregnancy experience, one that is no less valid or meaningful. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, celebrate every milestone, and know that the bond with your child is already beginning to form in your heart.

We are cheering you on every step of the way. 

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