If you’re reading this, it’s likely because your family has been blessed, or is about to be blessed, with a precious child who has joined your lives through the beautiful path of adoption. Your heart is full, you’re excited to welcome this little one (or to continue loving them as they grow!), and you want to be the most supportive grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or cherished family friend you can possibly be. That desire to love well is a wonderful and essential starting point.
Navigating how to best support an adopted child and their parents might feel a little new, perhaps even a bit different from other family experiences. You might wonder about the "right" things to say or do. But please know, the most important ingredients are already in your heart: love, acceptance, and a willingness to understand and honor their unique story. Here at GrowingMyFamily, we believe that an informed, loving extended family is an incredible gift to any child, and especially to a child who joined their family through adoption. Let’s explore some gentle ways you can be that amazing, supportive presence.
1. Honor Their Unique Story with Openness and Pride
Every child’s journey into a family is unique and for an adopted child, their origin story is a fundamental part of who they are. It’s a story of connection, of choices made with love (by both their birth family and their adoptive family), and of how they came to be a cherished member of your lives.
Follow the Parents' Lead: The parents will decide how and when to share details of their child’s adoption story with the child and with others. Your role is to support their approach. Listen to the language they use – for example, they will likely refer to themselves as the child's parents, and may speak of "birth parents" or "first family" when referring to biological origins. Gently mirror their terminology. If they are open and proud of their adoption journey (as so many are!), celebrate that with them.
Embrace Honesty (Age-Appropriately): As the child grows, if the parents are fostering an environment of openness about adoption, your acceptance and comfort with their story will be a powerful affirmation for the child. It shows them that all parts of who they are, and how they came to be, are wonderful and accepted.
Avoid Secrecy or Shame: Adoption is a beautiful and valid way to build a family. There is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Your open acceptance helps to dismantle any outdated stigmas and teaches the child that their beginnings are something to be understood with love, not whispered about.
2. Love and Accept That They Have Connections to Their Birth Family
This can sometimes feel like a tender area for extended family to navigate, but it’s so important for the child’s sense of wholeness. Your adopted family member has biological roots and a connection to their birth family, regardless of the level of current contact. Acknowledging this reality doesn't diminish your family's role or the love you share in any way; in fact, it enriches the child’s understanding of their full heritage and identity.
It’s About Identity and Story, Not Competing Parenthood: Understanding that a child has birth parents is about acknowledging their full life story and biological origins. It does not, in any way, lessen the role, the love, or the legitimacy of their parents – your family members who are raising them, loving them, and are there for them day in and day out. Your grandchild is still your grandchild; your niece/nephew is still your niece/nephew, deeply and completely.
Support Openness (If That’s the Family’s Path): Many adoptions today involve some level of openness, which can range from sharing information and photos to direct contact with birth family members. Your acceptance and support of these connections, if they are part of your loved one’s adoption plan, can be incredibly meaningful for the child and their parents. It shows you embrace all parts of who your loved one is and the people important to them.
Love Multiplies, It Doesn't Divide: Think of it this way: a child having loving grandparents on both their mother’s and father’s side doesn’t diminish the love from any one set. Similarly, acknowledging a child’s connection to their birth family doesn’t take away from the love and belonging within your adoptive family. It simply adds another layer to their unique story, another set of people who may care for them.
3. Love Them Deeply, Just as You Would Any Other Family Member
This is, perhaps, the most crucial point of all. At the end of the day, this child is your family. They are woven into the fabric of your lives.
Shower Them with Unconditional Love: Offer the same cuddles, the same bedtime stories (if you’re the grandparent doing tuck-ins!), the same silly songs, the same enthusiastic cheers at their school events or sports games that you would any other child in your family. Your love, your presence, your active involvement in their life is what they will remember and cherish.
Build Your Unique Bond: Focus on creating your own special relationship with them, based on shared experiences, laughter, and your unique connection. Whether you’re the grandparent who teaches them to bake, the aunt who shares a love of adventure, or the uncle who tells the best jokes – those are the things that build lasting bonds.
Treat Them as an Individual: See them for the unique, wonderful person they are, with their own personality, talents, and dreams, just like any other child.
Include Them Fully: Ensure they feel completely and utterly a part of every family gathering, tradition, and celebration. Their place in your family is solid and cherished.
Your consistent, unconditional love is the most powerful message of belonging you can send.
4. Support Their Parents in Supporting Their Adopted Child
The parents of an adopted child are navigating a unique parenting journey, one that involves honoring their child’s full story. Your support for them is incredibly valuable.
Trust Their Parenting: They have likely put immense thought, research, education, and heart into how they are raising their child and how they are navigating adoption-related conversations. Trust their instincts and their decisions.
Be a Non-Judgmental Listening Ear for the Parents: They might sometimes need to talk about the complexities, the joys, or any challenges they face related to adoption. Offer your empathetic presence without unsolicited advice (unless they specifically ask).
Use Positive and Affirming Adoption Language: Learn and use respectful, positive adoption language. For example, speak of "birth mother/parents" rather than "real mother/parents." Refer to the child as simply your grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. Your language matters and models acceptance.
Offer Practical Help and Encouragement: Just like any parents, they will appreciate practical help and words of encouragement.
Educate Yourself (If You Feel Unsure): If you have questions or feel unsure about adoption, seek out reputable resources (adoption agencies often have materials for extended family, or look for books and articles shared by the parents) to educate yourself. This shows your commitment to understanding and supporting their family.
Your Love Makes All the Difference
Being an extended family member to an adopted child is a beautiful and important role. Your love, your acceptance of their whole story (including their connection to their birth family), and your unwavering support for them and their parents will help them grow up feeling secure, cherished, and proud of who they are and how their family came to be.
It’s not about navigating a minefield; it’s about leading with an open heart and a willingness to learn. By honoring their unique story, embracing all parts of their identity with love, and supporting their parents, you are contributing to a family environment where this precious child can truly thrive. Your love is a vital thread in the beautiful, expanding tapestry of their life.
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