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"But I Should Be Grateful"


Hey there, Friend!

Especially now, with the holidays just around the corner, has that little voice started whispering in your ear, "You should just be grateful for what you have"? It’s a voice that often shows up right after a moment of sadness, a pang of jealousy while scrolling through holiday family photos, or the sting of another festive invitation addressed to your family, however it looks today. You feel a wave of grief for the family you dream of, and then, almost immediately, a wave of guilt for feeling that grief. It’s an exhausting, painful cycle that can make you feel like your sadness is wrong or unjustified, particularly during a season that screams "be merry!" from every corner.

Let’s be very clear: your feelings are not a reflection of your gratitude. You can be deeply thankful for the good in your life and, at the same time, be deeply heartbroken about your struggles. Both are true, and both can exist within you at the same time. Gratitude is about appreciating what is present. Grief is about mourning what is absent. You are allowed to hold both, especially during the holidays when the absence feels more pronounced. Feeling sad about not having a child does not cancel out the love you have for your partner, the joy you find in your friendships, or the appreciation you have for your life.

This is a time of year when we live in a culture that pushes toxic positivity to its limits, implying that we should always look on the bright side and be filled with cheer. This pressure can make us feel deeply ashamed of our "negative" emotions. But sadness, anger, and jealousy are normal, healthy human responses to pain and loss. They don’t make you an ungrateful person; they make you a person who is hurting. Your desire to grow your family is beautiful, not something to feel guilty or ashamed about.

It's also why it's so important to ask for the support you need. During the holidays, it can feel like you’re supposed to put on a brave face, to not "bring down the mood." But true loved ones don't want a performance; they want to support the real you. It is okay to lean on them. Asking for help isn't a burden; it's a bridge. Often, the people who love you are desperate to help but are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Giving them a specific way to support you is a gift to them, too.

This might look like telling a trusted friend, "The big family dinner might be tough for me. Could you stick by my side and help change the subject if people start asking invasive questions?" Or telling your partner, "I need to skip the neighborhood party this year. Can we plan a quiet, cozy night for just us instead?" Protecting your peace is not selfish; it’s necessary. You get to decide what you can handle, and the right people will understand and support your boundaries.

The next time that voice of guilt starts to whisper, try to meet it with compassion. You can say to yourself, "I am grateful for so much. And I am also sad, especially right now. Both are okay."

Your Gentle Reminders for the Season:

  • Grief and gratitude can exist in the same heart at the same time.

  • It's okay to say 'no' to events that feel too painful.

  • Your feelings are valid, even the uncomfortable ones that don't feel "festive."

  • Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a burden on others.

  • You do not have to apologize for wanting the family you dream of.

The next time that voice of guilt starts to whisper, try to meet it with a little compassion. You are navigating an incredibly difficult journey with a good and loving heart. Please, let yourself off the hook. You are doing the best you can in a situation you did not choose, during a season that can make it all feel ten times harder.

We see your good heart, and we are sending you so much grace and understanding. You are not selfish, you are not greedy, and you are not ungrateful. You are a person with a huge capacity for love, and it is natural to want to share that love with a child. Your desire is beautiful, and your heart is true.
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