The Power of Naming It: How Acknowledging Tension Can Release It

 

Let’s talk about that feeling. You know the one. It’s the subtle shift in the air when you walk into a room, the way your shoulders tense up without you even realizing it, the quiet, unspoken tension that can settle between you and your partner, or even within yourself, when you’re navigating the surrogacy journey. It’s the background hum of anxiety that never quite goes away.

Maybe it’s the gnawing worry about an upcoming appointment, the frustration with a communication delay from the clinic, or the lingering sadness from a past failed cycle. Maybe it’s the sheer exhaustion of it all. Whatever the source, this tension is real. It’s palpable. And often, our first instinct is to pretend it’s not there. We try to push it down, ignore it, or plaster on a smile and say, "Everything's fine!" We try to maintain a facade of calm and control, especially for our partners or our families.

But here’s a truth we’ve learned in our GrowingMyFamily community, a truth that can be incredibly liberating and healing: Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is to stop pretending the tension doesn't exist. Acknowledging it can release it.

Trying to ignore or suppress difficult emotions is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. It takes immense effort, constant vigilance, and eventually, it’s going to pop up, often at the most inconvenient and explosive moment. When we acknowledge the tension, we give it a name, we give it space, and in doing so, we begin to diffuse its power. We stop fighting ourselves and start finding a way through.

Why We Try to Pretend the Tension Isn't There

It’s natural to want to avoid discomfort. We’re taught from a young age to be polite, to be positive, and to not make waves. So, when we feel that tension, our minds often jump to conclusions that keep us from addressing it:

• "If I acknowledge this tension, it will make it worse." Our fear is that by naming it, we’ll give it more power and spiral further down.
• "If I admit I’m feeling frustrated, my partner will think I’m being difficult or ungrateful." We worry about burdening our partner or appearing weak.
• "If I say I’m worried, I’ll jinx the cycle." This is the superstition that acknowledging a negative possibility will somehow make it more likely to happen.
• "I should be grateful, not stressed." We feel guilty for having negative feelings when we are pursuing such a hopeful and generous path.

These thoughts are understandable, but they keep us stuck in a cycle of suppression. They prevent us from addressing the root cause and finding a way through the discomfort, either individually or as a couple.

The Magic of Naming It: Shining a Light on the Shadows

When you can name the tension, you take away its power. It’s like shining a light into a dark room; the shadows start to recede, and you can see what’s actually there.

It Validates Your Experience: Simply saying, "I'm feeling a lot of tension about this upcoming appointment," or "I'm feeling really anxious today," validates your own feelings. It tells your own heart, "It's okay that I feel this way. My feelings are real and they deserve attention." This self-validation is the first step toward self-compassion.

It Opens the Door for Connection: When you acknowledge the tension to your partner, you’re not accusing them or demanding they fix it. You’re inviting them into your experience. "Hey, I’m feeling a lot of tension right now, and I wanted to share that with you. I’m not sure why, but it’s there." This opens the door for them to share their own feelings, to offer support, or simply to sit with you in the discomfort. It’s an invitation to be a team.

It Allows for Problem-Solving (or Just Shared Burden): Once the tension is named, you can start to explore its source. Is it the unknown? Is it a specific fear? Is it the sheer volume of tasks? Naming it is the first step toward finding a solution, or at the very least, finding a way to manage it together. Sometimes, just knowing your partner acknowledges the tension is enough to lighten the load.

How to Practice Acknowledging Tension

This is a skill that takes practice, especially if you’re not used to being so open about your feelings, or if your partner isn’t. Start small and be patient.

Start with Yourself: Before you talk to anyone else, acknowledge the tension within yourself. Notice where you feel it in your body. Is it in your shoulders? Your jaw? Your stomach? Just observe it without judgment. "Okay, I'm feeling tension in my shoulders. That's my body telling me something is stressful right now."

Use "I" Statements: When you talk to your partner or a trusted friend, focus on your own feelings. Instead of saying, "You’re making this tense," try, "I’m feeling a lot of tension right now, and I think it’s because of the upcoming transfer." This keeps the focus on your experience, not on blaming them.

Keep it Simple and Specific: You don’t need a long, dramatic explanation. Sometimes, a simple statement is enough. "I’m feeling a bit anxious today about the PIO shot." "This feels a little overwhelming right now." The more specific you can be, the easier it is for your partner to understand and respond.

Listen to Their "I" Statements: If your partner shares their feelings, listen with the same grace and openness you’d want for yourself. Acknowledge their experience without trying to fix it or minimize it. "I hear you. That sounds really hard." "Thank you for telling me how you’re feeling."

The Release That Comes from Naming

When you can name the tension, you begin to release it. It’s like letting air out of a balloon that’s been overinflated. The pressure eases. The space opens up.

For Your Partnership: Acknowledging tension allows you to reconnect. It reminds you that you are a team facing a challenge, not adversaries. It fosters empathy and understanding, creating a stronger bond. When you can be vulnerable with each other, you build trust.

For Your Own Well-being: When you stop fighting your feelings and instead acknowledge them, you conserve so much energy. That energy can then be redirected toward hope, self-care, and the positive aspects of your journey. It’s a way of saying, "I am not going to let this tension control me."

This journey will bring many emotions, and not all of them will be easy or pleasant. But by giving yourself permission to acknowledge the tension, the fear, and the frustration, you are not amplifying them. You are disarming them. You are taking back your power, reclaiming your peace, and creating a more authentic and connected experience for yourself and your partner.

So, the next time you feel that subtle shift in the air, that quiet tension, try naming it. Try acknowledging it. You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel, and how much closer you become to the people you share it with.