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You were two people who fell in love for reasons that had nothing to do with fertility. Maybe it was a shared laugh over a terrible movie, a mutual love for hiking, or a deep connection over a political passion. Maybe it was the way you looked at each other across a crowded room, or the quiet comfort of a Sunday morning spent doing absolutely nothing together.
But somewhere along the way, the demands of family-building started to overshadow those cherished "before" moments. The romance got sidelined by the reproductive endocrinologist. The spontaneity was replaced by the fertility app on your phone. The conversations that once flowed easily now revolve around blood work and embryo reports. Your home, which once echoed with shared laughter and easy affection, can start to feel heavy with the unspoken stress of your journey.
If your home is starting to feel less like the place where your love story began and more like a clinical operation center, please know you are not alone. This is a common side effect of the intense focus required by fertility treatments. But I want to offer you a powerful reminder and a gentle invitation: You have the capacity, and the absolute right, to intentionally bring back moments of your "before."
This isn't about denying the reality of your journey or pretending the challenges don't exist. It's about actively carving out space for the love and connection that are the very foundation of why you're doing this in the first place. It’s about remembering the "us" that exists outside of the IVF cycle or the surrogacy process.
Why Reclaiming "Before" Moments Matters
It's a Reminder of Your Core: These moments remind you of who you were and who you are together, beyond the fertility struggles. It connects you back to the essence of your relationship, which is your strongest anchor.
It Recharges Your Batteries: The emotional energy required for this journey is immense. Reconnecting with joy, pleasure, and simple connection helps replenish your reserves, making you stronger and more resilient as a couple.
It Models Healthy Coping: By prioritizing your partnership, you are showing each other that you matter, that your connection is important, and that you are a team working through this together, not just sharing a medical challenge.
It Offers a Taste of the "After": The "after" is the beautiful family life you are working toward. Reintroducing these "before" moments can give you a taste of the simple joys that await you, reminding you that life, love, and happiness exist beyond the fertility clinic.
How to Inject "Before" Moments Back Into Your Home
This isn't about adding more tasks to your already overflowing plate. It’s about shifting your perspective and making small, intentional choices.
1. Schedule "Non-Journey" Time (and Protect It Fiercely)
This is probably the most crucial step. Your relationship needs protected time.
The Practice: Designate a specific time, perhaps one evening a week or a weekend afternoon, as a "No-Journey Zone." Make it a pact: no talking about appointments, medications, outcomes, or the "what ifs."
What to Do Instead: Revisit the activities that were once your joy. If you loved cooking together, make a meal that’s purely for pleasure, not for a specific diet. If you loved hiking, go for a walk in nature and talk about anything but the journey. Watch a movie you both loved before you were tracking cycles. This time is sacred. Treat it like the most important appointment you have.
2. Reclaim Your Sensory Sanctuary
Your home’s atmosphere can be a powerful tool. The clinical sterile smells and sights of your journey can be countered by bringing in sensory experiences that evoke comfort and home.
The Practice: Light your favorite scented candle. Put on a playlist of music that has special meaning to your relationship—your song, or music from a trip you took. Buy a soft, luxurious blanket for your couch that feels like a hug. Focus on the textures and smells that remind you of happiness and safety.
Why it works: These small acts remind your brain and body that this space is still yours. It’s a way of saying, "This is our home, and we control its atmosphere."
3. Revisit Your "Origin Story" Moments
Remember how you fell in love? What were those moments that solidified your connection?
The Practice: Look through old photo albums. Re-read old love letters or texts. Cook the meal you had on your first date. Go to the place where you had your first kiss.
The Result: This isn't about dwelling on the past, but about reconnecting with the core of your relationship. It’s a reminder of the foundation that has held you together through so much, and that is still the strongest force you have.
4. Practice Tiny Acts of "Just Because" Affection
When life becomes all about the "for the baby," remember the "just because" moments that fuel your love.
The Practice: Leave a sweet note in their lunch bag. Send a text during the day saying, "Thinking of you." Give them a lingering hug when they get home. Make them a cup of tea. These small gestures are not transactional; they are spontaneous expressions of love.
The Result: These acts remind you both that you are seen, cherished, and loved for who you are, not just for what you are trying to achieve. They are tiny sparks that can reignite the flame of connection.
This journey is demanding, and it will ask a lot of your relationship. But remember that your partnership is your greatest asset, your most important support, and the very heart of the family you are building. By intentionally carving out space for your "before" moments, you are not ignoring the present; you are fortifying your future. You are reminding yourselves that beneath the layers of stress and waiting, the love that brought you here is still vibrant, still strong, and still worthy of celebration.
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